The Attack of Freddy Cougar
by Blue Da-Ba-Dee
Summary: What happens when Dr. Loboto turns the three asylum inmates into animals, gives them back their old mental problems, and releases them in Whispering Rock? Well, this. And it ain't so pretty. By the way, I'm DL Lion, just with a pen name change.
1. Experiments

Oh boy! I already have so many stories to work on, but I just gotthis crazy idea that I had to do something with... Now I'm going to have to spend all my free time typing. Not like that's such a horrible thing! Anyway, I present to you... The Attack of Freddy Cougar!

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A single pale cougar twitched in the corner of a cage, one of the three only organisms – or at least vertebrates – in a very quiet room with plain whitish-gray walls. The floor was gleaming, probably made out of metal. It looked kind of slippery. Who knows just where this was? It must have been a laboratory of some sort.

The cougar's own living quarters weren't very impressive. It wasn't so much of a cage as a wildcat-sized jail cell, with three solid steel walls, one of which had a little barred window. The remaining wall was barred as well. The cage door.

Inside the cage were two dishes, one for food and the other for water, the latter of which was empty. And there was the cougar himself, who was very odd-looking. His fur was ruffled, he was somewhat skinny and small-bodied, and he had unusually long legs. He had small, thin paws with front legs to match. The cat's back legs were a bit longer, and they were almost kangaroo-like. You'd think he wouldn't be able to walk properly, as he was so strangely proportioned.

Shuddering slightly, the cougar looked through the window in the side of the cage at one of his neighbors. In the corner of the room was a large metal box. It had, in huge capital letters, the word "BEAR" on the side. A label below it read, "CAREFUL. IT BITES. I MEAN IT. REALLY." Through one of the air holes in the box, he saw a flash of reddish fur and the gleam of an eye. Despite the label, the occupant of the box had been pretty quiet.

Unlike the room's third inhabitant, a big black squirrel. It had been trying with all it might to pry apart the bars of its cage and squeeze between them. Now it appeared to have given up. The cougar let his eyes wander around the room until he noticed a motionless ball of black fur with a purple diamond on it lying on the floor of a birdcage hanging in a different corner. A bushy tail poked out of it, covered with black hairs that intermingled with pale violet. A dull green stripe twisted around the tail from the base to the tip. He figured the squirrel was asleep until he realized a face the same color as the diamond-shaped patch on its owner's back was staring right at him with deep purple eyes to match. For a rodent, it was rather powerful-looking.

All three animals jumped when they heard a loud click. They jerked their heads in the direction of the huge white door on the wall near the bear's crate other than the one it was up against. Someone was coming in, and the animals shrank back, absolutely sure of who it was.

Sure enough, a man in a lab coat burst into the room, flailing his right arm, which ended in a three-pronged claw. He had an insane, huge smile and an equally deranged look in the eyes. Both the green one and the red one. "So!" he said loudly, "How're you little furballs doing this beautiful afternoon? Beautiful afternoon... HA! Like you've actually seen what it's like outside since Tuesday."

He leaned over the box containing a bear. "You're looking just gorgeous today!" he proclaimed, though he was actually looking at the top of the crate and not the bear. "Thirsty at all?"

He pulled back one side of his lab coat, revealing he was carrying two water bottles on the inside. His steel claw closed around one, and he opened it and lodged it in one of the bear's air holes. There was the sound of water trickling down the side of the crate and the bear licking some of it up.

"How about you, Whiskers?" The scientist glided up to the cougar's cage. "Well, it looks like someone's had too much espresso while I was out of the room! Why didn't you save some for me?"

The man, just judging by his behavior, seemed to already be on caffeine. I mean, what other person would be constantly wearing a pink shower cap? Either way, he was referring to the cougar's bulging crimson-eyed – one of which twitched quite a bit – stare.

"But!" He raised his claw for dramatic effect. "Maybe you're still thirsty enough for some water." The scientist held up the second water bottle in front of the cougar's face. "Are 'ya?" The feline back up, his protuberant eyes opening even wider. "I guess I'll take that as a big fat yes!" The shower-cap-wearing madman reached into the cage and tilted the bottle upside-down over the empty water dish until it overflowed.

When he turned around and stepped toward the birdcage, the cougar crept forward and cautiously lapped up the water. But by the time the dish was almost half empty, he realized he had just made a big mistake. He looked straight down and noticed the strange purple tinge to the water. Something was rising in the back of his mind. Something that wanted to come out.

Maybe it was just a headache. Maybe it would go away when he focused on something. Instead, he turned his attention the birdcage. The scientist smacked the side of his claw into the cage, sending it swinging wildly back and forth, throwing the poor squirrel within against the sides. "Hello? You look sort of shaken, my black rat buddy!" He put a bit of emphasis on the word "rat." He cracked up for about ten seconds. "Shaken!" he repeated.

The rodent had a wild gleam in its purple eyes, like it was suffering from a terrifying case of déjà vu and desperately wanted to get out of that room. The cougar was pretty sure he knew why. With two talons, the scientist plucked a purple green-tipped hair from the squirrel's tail. "Tail as fluffy as usual! Now, I think I've got some water left for you..."

He emptied the last of the water into the squirrel's water dish, which had been full before the cage had been flying all over the place, splashing the walls nearby with the dish's contents. The squirrel cupped some of the water in its paws and sipped – quite unusual.

Well, the bear seemed fine after having an entire bottle to itself. Maybe the water was safe. But the cougar's head still felt strange. In fact, it was getting worse by the second. The cougar made a strange noise in his throat as the headache swelled. He shook his head, as if there was something in it and he was trying to dislodge it and get it to pop out through one ear. In only a few seconds, it started to feel like he had just banged his head against something sharp. Very sharp. It flared up, and then... it was completely gone. So it _was_ just a headache! "Aha!" the cougar cried with a French accent and a cocky smile, standing up straight with his chest fur fluffed out, "You sought I vos gone for good! But no! I am back. You 'ave not learned your lesson. You have allowed zee enemy, zis pink-hat-wearing fool, to capture you!"

The cougar's smile vanished abruptly. He gasped and fell flat on his stomach, covering his mouth with his paws. "Oh, no!" he groaned, "Not you!" Then he realized what must have been in the water. "Wait a minute. That stuff was in the water."

He stood up again, grinning. "Oui. You certainly are slow."

The smile faded again, showing that the cougar was himself. He looked up and saw that the squirrel was biting down hard onto one of the mad scientist's claws. "Looks like the Psitanium's kicked in!" the scientist said, glancing at the cougar and then at the squirrel, "Maybe you need a nap to cool down." He stuck his gloved left hand into the inside of his coat and produced a syringe. The squirrel didn't have time to avoid the huge needle plunging into its side. It went completely limp and was shaken off of the claw.

Then the scientist looked in the direction of the bear, who could be heard mumbling while sleeping. "Oh, thank you, all of you!" the bear muttered, "Autographs will... be signed in the theater lobby."

"Looks like you're already getting your beauty sleep. Now how about you?" He wheeled to face the cougar, holding up the syringe, which was two-thirds full of some glowing green liquid.

The red-eyed feline sat down, pushing himself backwards. "He just overdosed that squirrel," he said under his breath, "Now would be a good time for you to do something."

His expression changed. "Ah, no! I am afraid zat 'ere, I cannot help y..."

That's were he was cut off. Yes, he had been meaning for his other side to actually be the one tranquilized. But the cougar himself was knocked out anyway.

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I'm pretty sure many of you know that Psitanium in Psychonauts is supposed to have the effect of turning non-psychics insane. If not, well, you now know. And by the way, I like praise and feedback is loved. No flames. As Raz himself said, "You could try to be a more constructive critic."


	2. Taking Off

So sorry about the lack of update in... how long? No, don't answer that... It's kind of pathetic. But rest assured, all my stories will eventually update. It's sad to say I just take a while. This chapter might be a little short, but I hope it satisfies!

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The angry voice of his warlord ancestor pulled Fred Bonaparte into consciousness. "Bonjour, Fred!" yelled Napoleon through his descendant's throat, "I sought zat you 'ad finally become a winner! But 'ave a look at you now! You were captured, and zen you were turned into a mountain lion! Did you even resist? Show some fighting spirit, stilty-legged imbecile!"

"Gimme a break," whined Fred, still groggy with closed eyes, "To be kidnapped by _Loboto_ and _turned into a cougar_ was the last thing I expected to happen to me! I thought the nutcase blew up with the asylum."

"Expect ze unexpected!"

"Whatever. Where are we, anyway?"

"Why do you not get up on your lazy paws and 'ave a look about?"

Groaning, the cougar stood up and opened his crimson eyes. He appeared to be in a forest. Looking around, he saw he was standing on a rock protruding from a short hill. Just below were some little cabins surrounded by chirping birds and playful squirrels. He yawned. "Is this Whispering Rock, that psychic kids' camp just across the lake from the asylum?" he asked Napoleon.

"Oui, it appears so."

"But how did I get here?" Fred started turning in small circles, like a cat or dog getting ready to lie down in its bed on some kitchen floor. "Did Loboto somehow put me here? Do you think Ed and Gloria are here, too?"

"'Ow am I supposed to know about zem when I 'ave been stuck with you since last night?"

Fred shrugged. "Just interested in what you have to say. I know better now... How about Boyd?"

"Ah, ze security guard. 'E was not at Monsieur Loboto's laboratory, was 'e?"

"I don't think so, no. You know what, enough talking. Let's look around."

The long-limbed cougar hesitated before jumping off the rock and scampering down the hill. He listened before coming out from behind a cabin to make sure nobody was around. He didn't to scare the kids. That might actually be bad for him. Pretty much confident the coast was clear, he padded to a clear area that all the cabins faced. "Um, hello?"

"Fool!" As Napoleon, he crouched low to the ground. "I sought you did not want to be seen!"

"Geez, sor-ry." The next thing he noticed was a very large tree with a ramp of wooden slats twisting up its trunk. "There, I don't really want to go just yet."

"Coward."

"Shut up!"

There was a sudden loud voice. Fred gave a start and a yelp until he realized it was just coming from the speakers topping the couple of poles in the area. "Razputin," it said, "Come to my sanctuary at once. We both know you know how to get there."

"Razputin!" Fred's cougar ears pricked. "Raz! That's the kid who came to Thorney Towers last summer! I bet he can help me!"

"Ze child with ze goggles? You sink 'e can transform you back into a human? I doubt zat."

"It's worth a shot. I'm gonna look for him."

Fred sprinted away from the cabins toward the main lodge with his dead relative not really caring to stop him.

-----

Raz climbed out of a hollow tree stump and into Agent Ford Cruller's underground sanctuary. As always, the slightly crazy scoutmaster and secret agent was standing on a big platform in the middle of the base. "Agent Cruller. What did you want to talk to me about?" he asked.

"Well, er..."

"Yeah?"

"Gimme a moment! I'm trying to remember!" yelled the old man, "Got it! Have you seen any unusual animals around the camp lately?"

"No. I just got out of Basic Braining when you told me to come right over here. What kind of 'unusual?'"

"Well..." Ford scratched his head. "That Russian kid, whatsisname Mikhail, that one who likes to fight bears and wears that heavy-lookin' hat. I heard him say something about a strange bear he saw this morning."

"Did he say what it looked like or where he found it?" Raz pressed.

"Not that I can remember."

"Maybe I should go ask him about it."

"Eh, you go do that. Good luck, Razputin."

Slightly confused, Raz turned around and leaped onto the platform from which he could access the tree stump he'd entered in. He jumped in there and, as usual, landed in some small vehicle set on a track through a tunnel leading all under the campgrounds. "Where would you like me to take you, Agent Cruller?" asked a metallic female voice.

He was very used to this. He'd been using the underground transportation system since last year. It always thought he was Ford, probably just because it hadn't been programmed to expect anyone else.

For a moment, he thought of where Mikhail would most likely be. "Drop me outside the main lodge," he said. Most of the kids usually hung around the lodge, and it was easy to get around the camp from there, anyway.

"Oh – bring me back a burger this time, would you?"

The machine sped down the track, like a rollercoaster, but pretty much just going in a straight line. And considerably shorter. He braced himself for its abrupt stop, keeping himself from flying out of his seat, and then jumped out and ascended a ladder set in the wall.

When he popped out of another tree stump, he could see the main lodge just a few feet away. Conveniently, sitting on a bench was the person who would likely know where Mikhail could be found – Maloof, the most picked-on kid in the camp.

"Hey, Maloof." Raz waved. "Where's your bodyguard?"

The little boy jumped, but calmed down when he saw who it was talking to him. Around Mikhail, he seemed confident and kind of mean – even sinister, but without his bodyguard around, he was afraid of his own shadow. "Oh, it's just you, Raz! I, uh, think he went to the campfire area."

"Did he tell you anything?"

"Nope," Maloof said, shivering, "He just said..." He attempted to imitate a Russian accent. "...'Maloof, I go to campfire area. Something I need to have look at. You wait here.'"

The boy with the goggles nodded. "Thanks! That's all I needed to know." He ran off in the direction of the campfire area with the shy kid staring after.

"Raz?" he squeaked, "I'm all alone. And kind of scared." A low growl sounded from the bushes. "And I think there are cougars out here." The growl repeated, followed by rustling plants. With a yelp, Maloof scrambled off the bench and dashed for the lodge.

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FRED'S SPLIT PERSONA IS FUN TO WRITE.

And I plan on adding Boyd. I'm just not sure about what animal he'll be.


End file.
